Thought Catalog Well See Eachother Again

You wouldn't exist surprised, and I'm sure yous'd express joy, just I broke some other phone. I had to pull out an former 1 and charge information technology. Certain plenty, in that location you were. Text messages from trysts by. Pixelated nostalgia staring me in the face. I knew what I should practice. I knew what I shouldn't do. A sane person wouldn't go through and read them, but you and I both know I'm a masochist.

***

(*) "Promise me you will compassion ally me if our plans autumn through in 10 years. Yes, I'll build you a wine cellar."

(*) "You lot're a goddess. Never forget."

(*) "Your snap made me grin. You lot brand me grinning. I'm thinking about your smile."

(*) "I miss yous Nat."

(*) "Your eyes. Mesmerizing. A homo could lose himself in them."

(*) "Sometimes you look at me and I am afraid you see everything."

(*) "Read that Mercury was in retrograde. Laughed due north thought of y'all. Information technology's all only the alignment of the stars. Go along your mentum up beautiful."

(*)" It hurts to know you lot're in a bad place. I want you to observe happiness in your heart."

(*) "I was and so fucking nervous before seeing yous. I e'er am. But as before long equally we're together I relax and it'south like beingness home. Yous're similar home to me Nat."

(*) "I'm non saying this to flatter you lot just yous are the most cute woman I have ever and will ever lay eyes on. That'southward not an opinion. That's a fact."

(*) "Keep a light heart Nat."

(*) "I but left her place when I probably should have stayed. I didn't want to spend the nighttime. I was too thinking of you."

(*) "I call back the world of y'all Nat. Yous're a fucking goddess. I wish y'all could run across that."

(*) "Every time I get a text from you I get giddy."

(*) "He doesn't deserve you."

(*) "I don't deserve you."

(*) "I kick myself for not making you mine whenever I had the chance."

(*) "Do you always wonder what it would be similar if we had made different choices? If we wouldn't accept gotten with the people we're with now or the ones before them."

(*) "I was never aback of you. I never wanted to proceed you a secret. I never wanted to brand you feel that way. I didn't deserve someone like you. You're something I tin't fifty-fifty reach. I never imagined y'all'd want more than. And when I realized you did, I don't know, I was young and stupid Nat, fucked off. I would take it back if I could."

(*) "I dearest you for all that you are. I can't see how anyone wouldn't."

(*) "I dear you yesterday, today and tomorrow."

(*) "Nosotros lay in the beds we make."

***

I'm wondering if you're happy in the bed you lot're laying in. Does she let you concur her? Does she lay her head on your chest and caress that petty surface area in the center with those few scattered hairs? What other beds have you laid in when y'all've rubbed up against monotony in the ane you fabricated? What other beds since I walked out of your life?

That's all you ever did was visit. This trunk, a hotel for your hunger. You, a well-acquainted guest, its most loyal customer.

You always said y'all couldn't think of any other style to describe what being with me was like other than transcendent. You always said there'd never be a day where you wouldn't recollect of me. That you lot would ever dear me. I'm beginning to wonder if yous even know the pregnant to any of those words. I call up you saw me more as a thing you could touch to go on your hands busy when you felt bored and empty. Yous couldn't see me, much less love me.

I always wrote about how our love was red. It's the color that came to heed each time I thought of you. Reddish like the lipstick you liked seeing smeared on your peel. Red like the blood on my swollen lip from your teeth. Blood-red like the color of my peel under your vehement affect. Crimson like the wine yous poured over and drank from my body. Red like the stains on your living room carpet. Red similar my cheeks each time you spoke to me. Reddish like our fire. Red like our passion. Crimson like our violence.

Red like my cherry-red alphabetic character.

There was nothing pretty about our feelings for each other. There were no colors. No red. Only black like the shadows yous e'er kept me hidden in. Blackness similar the cavity yous burrowed correct through my heart to make sure nobody else could discover their way there. Blackness like the feeling dingy every fourth dimension I let you inside me. Black similar what it said nigh my soul that it felt so correct, that I couldn't quit it, that I notwithstanding liked it. Black similar a nasty little habit. Black because in that location was nix pure about the words yous e'er said to me or whatever of the thoughts you had almost me. Black because we didn't exactly outset out innocent. Black considering we'd become on to practice worse.

I know this now. I think I knew it and so, as well. But y'all'd breathe in my cervix, breathe in my pilus and praise me, y'all'd tie me up to kiss me inch by inch and adore me, and yous'd make me believe I was beautiful. I remember y'all making me undress in front of you, demanding that I embrace my pare for all that it is, and with the drop of each garment you repeated exactly that, "you are cute." It was intoxicating. You lot were intoxicating. You'd pull my hair, bite me, squeeze me, choke me and spank me, like you were too hungry for me and being inside me wasn't being shut enough. You'd take my face up in your hands and demand I look at you lot, cuddle my cheek with your thumb and tell me you loved me. Each time you did, your eyes were sincere enough for me to be able to pretend information technology wasn't a lie.

I'd leave your identify always with marks all over my trunk. Bruises forming from the way yous and I made love. Piddling evidence of where you had been. Claims in your name to something you never wanted to proceed. I'd carry them around the 1 wears a diamond ring. Like they spoke about your love for me. Like they were a hope. I'd carry them proudly. I'd vesture them like my favorite clothes. They'd fade from royal to blue to green to yellow to nothing. A lot like the manner I felt. I could only await for the next fourth dimension I could walk through your door for you lot to greet me with your usual "I missed you."

If you saw me now, would you say the same? Have you even noticed my absence? Did it hurt you lot at all?

I know I was the one who walked away without and then much as a goodbye. But you should know by now that I was always weak for you lot. I couldn't have done information technology any other manner. Yous should know I walked away only considering I loved you so much. I couldn't have you in my life anymore and not exist with you. I couldn't continue sustaining myself on the niggling scraps you lot threw my style. I couldn't go to sleep anymore knowing that if I wasn't hearing from you lot information technology'south because she was crimper herself into your side.

Losing you hurt more than leaving him ever did. I loved you more than even him. Walking abroad didn't come easily to me. Slipping out the dorsum door came with sleepless nights, came with crying because you lot couldn't touch me, came with my body shaking at three AM. Walking away meant losing one of my all-time friends. It came with loneliness. Walking away came with a void in me and then big, strange hands and a vodka coated oral cavity could not fill.

Cutting you out of my life was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but so was loving you lot.

I spent this whole time waiting for that Instagram post I'd come across that would tear me autonomously. The niggling jewel on her left hand that would take made my heart drop. My stomach lurching at each carat. Hers so timeless, traditional, diamond so white, large, clear and shining, where mine would have been black, maybe blue, some fine art deco dinner band, sapphire glistening center stage, white European cut diamonds north and s, single-cut diamonds throughout. I've spent information technology waiting for that email from you telling me you're sorry, telling me you yet read my poetry, that you yet wish things were different, just you're engaged now. I wrote countless pages preparing me for either moment.

I wrote countless poems trying to bargain with how I felt for you. I wrote volumes of poetry about the things we could have been. I'm exhausted. I don't think I have information technology in me anymore. I think my veins are running out of ink for y'all. I can't miss you anymore.

I am so very tired of being soft for you.

I'm getting closer to that betoken where I no longer wish it would have been me and you. Others were never enough. She's never been plenty. I would accept never been enough, either.

If you lot encounter me somewhere, I won't look the aforementioned. I swear to y'all, I have the aforementioned face, the aforementioned body you lot loved, simply if you ever see me once more, you will feel it, that y'all're looking at a stranger. My eyes no longer warm, no longer wanting, no longer meltingly sweet, will look past you lot. They will not linger on any hair on your head for ane 2nd.

I am then very tired of beingness soft for y'all.

I am then very tired of loving y'all.

I can't anymore. I don't know if I've stopped, I only know that it's not the same. I just know that I don't dream almost the lives yous and I could have had. I don't write virtually alternate worlds. I don't curse the universe for placing me in this ane. I but know if I ever came across that picture or that e-mail, it wouldn't hurt the way it would accept earlier, I'd exist number than a motorcar crash. I but know that I desire different things now, and none of those things include yous. They include everything you would have never been able to give me.

You and I take ever been a wildfire that could not be put out. We've always existed as flames, we have never been anything but. But I was e'er the ane left doing all the burning.

I am so very tired. I am then very done.

I can't anymore. I am and then very tired of being soft for you.

If you always see me again, please, please, don't brand eye contact. Please look the other manner.

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Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/natalia-vela/2018/08/this-is-me-asking-you-to-look-the-other-way-if-you-ever-see-me-again/

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